No One Actually "Wants" to be Cremated. So, Why do we Keep Saying it?

As one of the only independent funeral home owners left in Houston, something I hear often is, “I just want to be cremated.” To which I always reply, and usually in my mind only, “No, you don’t.”

People want all sorts of things: a new car, more vacation time, a better job, or good health, perhaps. All of these suggest a benefit of some kind that can be enjoyed or at least utilized once received. Cremation, though?

In modern America, people have a hard enough time having a mature, responsible discussion about actually dying, especially their own death, which is probably why, for many people, “I just want to be cremated,” is often the extent of the conversation. So, why do people say it? After 25 years in funeral service, assisting families from every conceivable walk of life, I have seen that the reason almost always leads to the same place: cost. Yet, we will give all sorts of other reasons to soften this fact. “It’s what they would have wanted,” “We want something simple,” or “We just want to remember them as they were,” are the more commonly given explanations. But in reality, it almost always boils down to cost (even for those with disposable income). And who can blame them?

Funeral homes, for decades, have charged entirely too much just to say a simple good-bye to someone, and many still do. But, imagine if cost weren’t an issue? I don’t mean everything is free, just not prohibitively expensive. If priced comfortably, would people still prefer to send a loved one straight to a crematory after they’ve died?  No, they wouldn’t, and the statistics prove it. When the financial incentive to cremate FIRST is removed, most people opt for, at the very least, a chance to say good-bye to the actual person who died, which is then followed by cremation. Why?  Because saying good-bye is instinctive. It’s natural, and it’s what we need.

A few things most of us think we know, but don’t… cremation is an alternative to burying a casket in a cemetery, not an alternative to a funeral. A funeral can be followed by cremation. Funerals don’t require viewing the deceased, cosmetics, nor any embalming or other chemical application. Reverence in the presence of a deceased body is instinctive and universal (even if the casket is closed). Cremating first, followed by a memorial service, does not help to “get it over with” quickly. In fact, cremating first tends to complicate things more.

Lastly, there are lots of ways to add a more festive element to celebrating and coming together to honor a person who has died. Allow yourself the opportunity to say good-bye, first.

It really is that simple.

Considering Cremation? Look No Further than the Funeral of Barbara Bush.

Over 6,100 people filed past Barbara Bush’s casket the evening before her funeral in Houston, Texas in April, 2018. Now, it may seem irreverent to ask this, but why? Why did so many people stand in line, day and night, to walk past a closed casket? Was it because she was a former First Lady? Partly. Was it because she touched the lives of so many people? Partly. I think it’s simpler than that, though. The reason people came is because she was there, too, in body as much as she was in spirit. Mrs. Bush was eventually buried in College Station, but guess what? The same type of closed casket funeral service takes place even when followed by cremation. It happens all the time, it is becoming more and more common, and families are better off for it. The important part, the part that begins the healing process, is the funeral, and it has nothing to do with whether you are cremated or buried. Funeral first, cremation second.

Here’s why: whether we realize it or not, most people instinctively seek to be in the presence of others, even in death. This is healthy, this is natural, this is good, and it is largely in this moment, and this moment only, that we are able to say good-bye. In Mrs. Bush’s case, her casket was closed. The more than 6,100 people who took the time to file by were moved by the same instinct: they knew she was there, in body, just a few feet away. They said their good-byes, and they kept on moving.

Think about why we often hug when we greet each other. It creates a subtle, but significant physical bridge – a connection that we instinctively seek. We just do it. And, we do the same thing when we part ways. We hug and say good-bye, until we meet again. Can you imagine a world without hugging?

This is what being at your own funeral accomplishes. It allows those who knew and cared about you to be in your presence and say good-bye, one final time. There will be plenty of time to raise a glass and celebrate your life, and that should happen, too. Just make sure you give those you leave behind an opportunity for that last physical connection, that last “hug.” Your family and friends may not know it at the hour of your death, but they need you at your own funeral just as much as they need you now.

Still not convinced? Next time you are at a memorial service with an urn on a pedestal, count how many people touch the urn. Few, if anyone, will. Now do the same the next time you are at a funeral. Count the number of people who touch the casket, if not the deceased if the casket is open (a gentle pat on the shoulder or hand, for example). Most, if not everyone, will. We just do it. It’s what makes us human.

Last but not least: cost. A funeral followed by cremation is a fraction of the cost of a funeral followed by a traditional burial. No one should have to go into debt just to say good-bye. You just need to know who to call.

Barbara Bush did it exactly right. The crowds came because she was there.

And you should be there, too. After all, it’s your funeral.